Somewhere I belong..

Usually, people think that being a mixed-blood is a big advantage for being able to master more than one dialect since young. In short, you have two mother tongues because you speak in two languages since young. Being a mixed-blood myself, I do enjoy mingle with people from different races and cultures, the ones from my Chinese side and also the ones from my Melanau side. It was the best during festive seasons. When I was small, we celebrated both Christmas and Chinese New Year though it was costly. Our relatives from different backgrounds, Chinese and Melanau came to gather while visiting our home for Christmas nor Chinese New Year. That's why it is no surprise if mixed-blood people tend to be able to adjust themselves to different cultures easily because they are exposed to different cultures since small.

But, there's not always a too good to be true situation. Something that seems so good has its bad side too. Yes, there's also a bad side for being a mixed-blood. I used to hear my father's colleague, who was a mixed-blood too, said that being a mixed-blood made him faced the dilemma many times. He is a mixed-blood of Chinese and Melanau too, like my family. So, he said that, whenever he is with his Chinese relatives, he felt that there's an invisible gap because he is half Melanau. Then whenever he is with his Melanau relatives, he's always called anik Kina (anak Cina or Chinese child) which automatically made him felt distant from them, though related.

I felt the same too. Whenever I tried to embrace the Chinese culture, I felt as if it doesn't suits me wholly. I mean, yes, I can practice some of the Chinese culture during Chinese New Year, but to be totally Chinese just to fit in with my Chinese relatives, that is something I cannot wholly embrace because first, some of it doesn't fit my religion. Then, there's the language gap I had. I did not study Chinese formally, so I was more exposed to the national language and also English, though I couldn't really master both languages. The one language that I am sure I mastered was Rojak language. So, I couldn't really fit in with my Chinese's relatives interests, which was more to the Taiwan pop cultures. Then, there's Melanau part of me. Honestly, I never attend the Pesta Kaul which was an important event among the Melanau society. Though I looked Melanau, my slang and clothing style was more to Chinese, and I felt like I could not embrace the Melanau culture as good too. I could only embrace some of Melanau culture, which is its language, and that's it. It was as if I have to accept both culture only shallowly, but not too deep. It's because I am mixed, and I wasn't really exposed deeply to either culture.

It hurts much sometimes to know that you don't really belong to either one culture, when you thought you were supposed to be the one rich with cultures. That is why sometimes, I could find comfort in someone who is mixed-blood too, my first cousins, my best friend and also some friends here in Penang. Maybe it's true that mixed-bloods doesn't really belong to either culture, like the colour purple. It was a mixture of red and blue, it is neither red or blue. It's both. So, it seems that I have to embrace both cultures to be comfortable with myself and be sure that this is somewhere I belong, not to one culture but BOTH.