Friends' List..

When I started writing this post, there was a question inside my head 

"Can you count how many friends you have?"

If I were younger, I would definitely answer yes to this question. But yesterday, when I ran into my three of my four closest friends during my first year in university, I began to wonder, why did I neglected them? Why our friendship were merely hi and goodbye lately? Why did I let myself to be controlled by circumstances and just let them go because we didn't take the same papers lately? I felt like such a bad friend. I felt like instead of being friends, we became more like acquaintences lately and I really didn't want that to happen. I still want our friendship to go on and strong because they are really good people and I should give them what they deserved from me, which is a quality time together.

What's a friend?

According to Dictionary.com, a friend is a person attached to another by feelings of affection or personal regard. 

I still remember when I was still in my primary school, I would list down my friends' name and decorated it. The list will consist of almost all the girls' name in my class. That time, to me, the definition of friend was simple. A friend to me, means someone you know and whom you did not fight with. How innocent of us kids back then hehe.

When I entered high school, I entered the smartest class for Bahasa Melayu Medium though I didn't get straight As. So I felt like the underdog firstly because I personally think that I didn't fit in the smart category and I was a very timid girl. I didn't know how to converse in Mandarin back then because in my primary school, we just conversed in my mother tongue, my dialect, which is Hokkien.

It was during high school I always felt very lonely because I only talk to people when they were the one who started the conversations. It was because I was too self-conscious and afraid I might be laughed at for speaking Mandarin inaccurately. So I would do anything just to gain friends - I became the delivery girl by helping my classmates to buy food from the canteen though sometimes I didn't intend to go to the canteen. A small thank you made my day, I felt appreciated, but there were times when I bought things wrongly and got dissatisfied remarks.

During that lonely period of my afternoon session moment in high school, I would list down the number of friends I had in my diary. I became more critical about the definition of a friend, and the list was very short, because there were only a few who was close to me and was kind to me that time. But still, I was sure, somehow someday, I would get out of my shell and be more approachable towards other people. 

But that didn't happen during my high school, because all through high school, whenever I tried to come out of my shell, there were always obstacles from a different level coming for me. I was frustrated with studying life. Because of that, I was finally comfortable with my anti-social attitude and I told my mom I wanted to work right away after Form 5, but well, as you can see, that did not happen. I continued with Form 6. Though I still speak poor Mandarin that time, I felt the sense of belongingness in my Form 6 class. I was considered smart, something that I won't expected to be labelled as after primary school. 

My friends' list became longer than before, and I was really blissful. It was during my Form 6 where for the first time, I began to be involved in religious club such as Young Christian Students. And through my Form 6, I began to know more people and had quality time with my bestie.

Then there was university life. During my first year first semester, I had a gang which consists of Mei Ling, Sook Mon, Christopher, Susanna, Pei Lee and me. When we attended classes, we always go together. But when the second semester arrived, we majored in different subjects and the gang was like, splitted into two. Pei Lee and me were always together, then the rest were at another part. During my first year 2nd semester, I always felt lonely because sometimes Pei Lee fell sick and couldn't attend the classes. Then I started to make the friends' list all over again, counting how many friends I had. Inside the list contained most of my seniors' name. I wasn't really mixing with my peers that time. I felt frustrated with myself, the trauma of being an outcast like what I felt during my high school years came back haunting me again. 

But God was really kind to me. During my 2nd year, He gave me a role to play in a religious club and He met me with Hawa and a lot of other new people I began to became close with. Though I was busy and all that, it was a small price to pay compared to the blessings He gave me. I felt more contented and it was the first time I thanked my mother for forcing me to enter university.

And you know what? It was during that time I stopped making the friends' list.

And only when I stopped making the friends' list that I realized we cannot count how many friends we have cause it's hard to determine which one of your acquaintences is your friend because friendship must be nurtured. Acquaintances can turn into friends and vice versa. If you do not keep in touch with your friends, your friends might turn into merely acquaintences.

[Interframe: And that is why now I want to find a very good timing to reconnect with my first year gang, my beloved friends, Pei Lee, Sook Mon, Susanna and Mei Ling. I don't want this friendship we have turning into acquaintances relationship]