Bittersweet Taste

Do you notice that the picture above looks like a scary smiley face? XD

No, I am not talking about the taste of the horrible cupcakes above. They were disaster, but on my defense, they were edible. XD 

Do you know that feeling of, you don't like to do something, but since you are asked to do that thing by someone you love, then you finally force yourself to love doing that thing because that thing was supposed to be sure thing, but after days of feeling unsure yet prepared to do that thing, you finally know that the thing is not a sure thing? 

And the probability of making it a sure thing is very thin? 

What would you feel? Relieved? Disappointed? Cheated? 

Okay, maybe you don't get the thing I was crapping about in the first paragraph since it was almost like a monologue to myself. Let me be a little clearer. If you read my previous post, Kalau Aku Boleh Lambung Syiling Destiny, you would know that I was supposed to take on a temporary job that I do not like, uhuk temporary teacher uhuk. But then, since my mom said it is at an all boys primary school and I would be teaching the lower primary students, I was okay and quite excited with it.

Thus, I brought my formal attires back home, and bought a pair of formal shoes just in case. At first, I was skeptical. I had a habit of hard to believe something until I encounter it. Maybe you would say I have trust issues but then I did not want to be too sure about something so that I would not be disappointed later. For example, like the master application that I am applying now. When I bade farewell to my course mates, my course mates told me "Hey, we're gonna meet again, during the master." But I was still... skeptical. It's not like we already promised a place there.

But then, if the case is reversed, where you were promised a place, and you kept asking that if it  is a sure thing and people kept assuring you that "Of course, it's a sure thing since the headmaster said he wanted to choose you for his school." So I tried to be more optimistic and sure, and tried to be prepared, though not really prepared. :P

But then, yesterday I just got a news, I don't know how to describe it, whether it was a bad news or good news, when my mom told me that the officer at the education department at my town told the headmaster that they will choose the temporary teacher instead of the headmaster himself and they told him they already had another candidate for that position that I was promised to last time. So, my mom asked me if I still wanted to apply teaching temporarily for other school. I was like... " I am not ready to teach at another school. I prefer to teach at SK Sacr*d H****.  And if I applied but then I got offered at another school, I rather don't want to take it." Wow, you must think I sounded like a  perasan diva, trying to be choosy, when I am supposed to be in the position of accepting any offers right now.

Err, on my defense, I am doing good for the other school, you know. First, I don't like teaching that much, so I can't be flexible at it. I prefer teaching at primary schools, and to teach at a school where at least I am familiar with the atmosphere (I've been to the headmaster's office once, or twice. :P) I don't want to experience the torture of adapting to an atmosphere for the sake of doing something I don't like. If it was something that I like, it would be a different story, but then, this sacrifice is not worth it, even for the money.

So, it's either all or nothing. If I am going to teach at the first school I was promised, I would take the job, but if I could not get the position at the school that I wanted, instead of torturing myself teaching at the school that I am not familiar with, I  choose to continue my position as the homemaker and try my best to be as productive as possible by doing some gardening, cooking, and if God-willing, baking. I still want to be able to choose no matter what. Though I am in no position to be choosy now.

So that's what I am feeling now. Bittersweet. I am happy because I do not need to do what I don't like to do but at the same time, I am disappointed I am gonna lose a lot on experience,  lose my chance to compensate  my dissatisfaction towards my previous teaching skill, lose my chance to earn money which I could use for my convocation, and my chance of putting something good to see on resume.  And ironically, I am quite sad that I would lose my chance to be called "Cikgu" once more. It was quite a long time since I last heard people refer me that way.  Funny I don't like to teach but I like it when people call me that.

So yeah, it was sweet, but bitter at the same time. But then, if I am going to be a homemaker for my rest of my stay in Sibu, I am going to make sure that I make full use of my holiday by being as productive as possible. This home will never be the same again when I leave for Penang later, I promise you that.