For Now

I have never thought that I would end up doing what I am doing right now, you know, educating these youngsters as a profession. I was scared of speaking in public, speaking in front of audience in formal language, and I hated routine. I hated doing homework, but now I have to mark them, which is a lot more tedious than doing homework. When you signed up for this kind of profession, you know that you have to be more hardworking than you were as a student.

 Ironic, right?

 But then again, I am someone who always force myself to love what I loathe, and now as it turns out, I believe I love what I used to loathe.

As the Malay saying goes, Tak kenal maka tak cinta. I thought I loathe teaching because I thought I knew what it was like to become a teacher just because I was surrounded by teachers when growing up. Being a teacher for me was worse than being a student due to the heavy workload. Little did I know, I only knew what teaching is once I involved myself first hand in this profession, teaching the subject that I like. 

I love what I am doing now, seriously.

It was all thanks to that feeling you get...

* when you see your student paying attention to whatever things that you say (sometimes thoughtlessly).

* when your student greeted you sheepishly with a smile when running into you like you are one hell of a celebrity. 

* when seeing your students improve their writing and grammar after your serious warning. 

For now, this is what I am going to focus doing.

Later, maybe, maybe, que sera sera, I will make room for other passion that I have. 

Guilt Trip

It's a chain of unfortunate events.

And thus, the self-esteem that she had been building all this while had gone up in smoke, just in a few minutes, one day, when she entertained anxious parents and their beloved child who were fed with wrong information as she continued to blab thoughtlessly. 

Yesiamsoguiltyrightnowtotheextentofventingalltheseoutinmyblogwhichhasbeenonahiatustilltodayohpleasefiremeifthatistheonlywaytomakemefeelbetter

Cruel to be Kind

I was having my lunch alone at KFC Komtar last Friday, ordered a snack plate and found an open air seat. Yeah, there's a new KFC opening in town, located at Pacific Komtar.

 

Suddenly, out of nowhere, a stranger appeared and stood beside my table. The stranger looked like a tomboy, or a pengkid to be exact. She was asking for food from me, specifically one chicken.

I was in a very good mood that time, kind of empathetic too, because I was doing a thesis on empathetic behaviour so there I was, trying to practice what I was basically preaching myself.  So as impulsive as I was during situations like these, I grabbed one of my two chickens, wrapped it in a tissue and handed it to her.

A few minutes later, out of the blue, the KFC Supervisor came out and asked her to leave, and told me that the stranger had been disturbing customers for a lot of times.

"That person is just 20 year old, still young," the supervisor told me, "and already disturbing people and doing this."

"We don't want to entertain her because it will show as if we are encouraging her," she added.

I was surprised, and a little guilty too.

The Supervisor came and handed me a new chicken which I didn't request for.

I guess sometimes, we must not let empathy gets the best of us. Sometimes, we gotta think in the long run. If we keep lending a hand to help this kind of person, when are they going to help themselves?

If they never stop getting help, they will never start to help themselves.

Notetoself: Gotta be selective when helping people in the future. If they are healthy and young, they should not this kind of sympathy from us. And don't feel guilty when you are being cruel for the sake of the person's own good.

Today I feel like throwing everything away~

Cause it could be liberating! Especially today - to signify the first time in the semester where I feel that I am not tied up by assignments - albeit there's one more assignment to go - which will due on 5th June but let's just ignore it for now.

But I just can't. Throwing things is not in my nature. Even deleting old messages or e-mail needed a long contemplating from me. Yeah call me weird. On second thought, no, please don't call me weird. This is just me for being a hoarder. Or a compulsive one - I might add.

I do not know how many notifications or messages are spamming my yahoo inbox right now but the good thing is that they kept my e-mail active. Right now I am deleting some songs from my Blackberry to make space for new songs that I just downloaded yesterday. It's an improvement, I know. I even initiated to delete some of the old pictures from it - especially some random photos that I took just to post them up in Twitter - which was also the reason why I dared to delete them cause I know I can always have them back in Twitter account *winks*.

But really - I wonder how many people out there have the same issue like I do - reluctance to throw their things away. I guess I made a mistake of putting sentimental value on almost everything I own. Like, if I buy a red pen, instead of being just a red pen, I described it as 'first red pen that I bought for the semester in Tesco'. I gave my things identity - which made them harder to let go. Sad and freakish right? I even kept my receipts instead of throwing them away with the 'good reason' of using them to calculate my weekly spending - which I barely do - thanks to the accumulating assignments that I had.

But today - I just want to try throwing some things away. My things. Any useless thing which used to be important to me. Just to have that feeling of letting go. And to give space to new things that I may need and more practical for my life right now.

The question is, which thing is it?

Hoarder in dilemma,

yours truly.

Remind Yourself of the Happiness to Forget the Sorrow

Tonight, 

out of the blue,

I discovered videos that Claire had taken using Mr Panasonic,

and as I watched it, 

I felt the fun aura at FM house.

I wanted to watch a funny video.

Tango video. :P

Watched it, laughed, and then clicked on another video.

Then suddenly,

I watched videos of HER.

And guess what.

I didn't expect it but...

That previous senior, sisterly love came back.

Just like that.

Funny.

How many days I spent complaining about what she had done.
Even today...

And yet, the power of the video...
Just like that...

I saw the video of her serenading us with Christmas song.

I wanted to be angry, but the anger...

The fire of anger kinda blown off.

Hard, yet

Easy.

Forgiven? 

Sisters forgive one another,

but still, they advise one another.

In order to make that clear,

I,

Maureen,

hereby will remove my complaint post about her,

so I would not be reminded of it anymore.

Forgive.

But never forget to advise. 

Oh yeah, when is that again? Next sem? :P

Make It Happen~

For this year, as I grow older, these are the lists of what I want to make sure it happens this year...

Physically, I want...

1) To trim my eyebrow, so it won't be as thick as now. (But thick eyebrows are good to make me look stern, don't they?)

2) To update my closet more often. (which means, more shopping to be done woo hoo~!)

3) To accessorize more.(which also means more shopping)

Mentally, I want...

1) To read at least 10 fiction books by the end of this year to improve my English. (Kacang kan? :P)

2) To be more fluent in native languages like Melanau (from different dialects), Kenyah, and also Iban.

3) More stern, more courageous, and stand up for myself and my loved ones. That includes confidence. (Amen...)

Spiritually, I want...

1) To be more forgiving. (erm, did I type wrongly here? :P)

2) To be more attentive in Mass. ( FYI, it took me 3 Masses to attend in one weekend for me to finally get the Gospel huhuh...)

3) To read Bible more often... (Amen)


So, this is it. I hope I can make them all come true, each and everyday from this day onwards.

My Happiest Moment

When was the last time you smiled - without expecting a smile in return,

laughed without caring about people around you, 

or expressed your excitement without letting other people's reaction affect what you felt?

 image grabbed from here

When was the last time you smile not for the camera, but your smile was a moment that was captured naturally by it?

image grabbed from here

When was the last time you externalized what you really felt inside?

One question that could sum all these questions up is,

when was the happiest moment of your life?

I will answer this post in a form of a photo, a solid proof of my happiest moment. That's the good thing about a photo, although it could not freeze the time, it could immortalize THE moment, and at least when we look back at that particular photo, we could reminisce that beautiful 10-20 seconds of happiness and bring back all that joyous feeling.

In my older post questioning about my happiest moment, I shared that it was hard for the adult me to find the happiest moment in my adult life, but when I flipped through the album of the childhood pictures, it was as easy as googling for me to spot my happy moments. Yes, childhood moments were the best. (who dare to disagree?) We were easy to please back then. We expressed what we felt, without holding back our feelings. We could laugh and cry whenever we felt like it.

Among all my childhood pictures, I chose this photo below to represent... 

MY HAPPIEST MOMENT!

They say a picture tells a thousand words. I agree, but let me complete the sentence 'a picture tells a thousand words, but it only has one truth', and the truth behind this picture is that the smile, the excitement, and all the expressions were genuine. Everyone was spontaneous. This picture is not about the photography technique, the artistic approach or camera angle whatsoever. It is all about 'capturing the moment'. A special moment for a 3-year-old birthday girl (which was of course, the little me), captured by my father with his old camera.

Whenever I looked at this picture, I could reminisce about what happened during that moment. From my facial expression, you can tell that I was overjoyed by the burning candles on my birthday cake. Isn't it blissful to be a kid? You felt as if you hit the jackpot just by looking at the burning candles on a birthday cake, anticipating for the moment to blow them. :)

 

But as they say the happiest moment only lasted for a very short time, yeah the saying was truly right. 

Because at the end of the happy birthday song, my happiest moment ended when this happened. 

(-_-")

Yeah. So much for my happy ending, huh. 

How Old are You, Mentally?

"A person earns my respect due to their mental age, not their physical age."

=lameleftygirl (12th May 2011), Words of Lamehood=

Thus, I never expect people to respect me just because I am physically older than them. 

No.

I used to be a fan of Jojo, a popular singer who is physically 2 years younger than me. Then, someone (I forgot who was it but I do remember the comment) told me, "Why do you want to be her fan? She's younger than us, you know." 

By younger, the connotation there was to mean childish, and that 'older' people like us should go and admire singers who are older and legendary like Beyonce or Michael Jackson (God bless his soul) instead. Then I wondered, what is wrong with admiring a singer who is younger than you? 

Which brings me to a chain of new questions. 

What is wrong with agreeing to a younger person's view? 

What is wrong with accepting a younger person's suggestion?

What is wrong with listening to a younger people's advice?

Will it hurt our ego? Perhaps it would, but to hell with ego. 

If we care so much about ego, then we are still very much immature. 

(and yeah I am scolding myself now for being ego in certain things in life) 

Sometimes older people can be wrong too, despite all the 'asam garam kehidupan' that they/we/you/he/she (stop pointing fingers lol) tasted throughout their/our/your/his/her lives.

You can experience a lot , or in fact everything, but then if you never instill the lesson that you learned during that experience, then the experience did not mean a thing at all.

[ Fast fact: I am mentally physically and mentally 16 ;) ]

Passionate Peyton & My Passiveness to Pursue

 Interframe: I'm not sure if it was because of the holiday or what but suddenly I'm obsessed with drawing, cooking, and taking photos. I used to like that three things but not as obsessed as now. Gosh gosh gosh. I'm sure it was because of the holidays...


I used to be a One Tree Hill freak during my high school days. I love the casts because the they fitted the characters perfectly. Anything to do with OTH would make me go gaga during those days, even the theme song, 'I don't want to be' by Gavin DeGraw.

The casts of One Tree Hill

Peyton Sawyer is the girl with blonde curls... Isn't she stylish and pretty?;)

Among the colourful characters in these series, there was one female character that caught my attention because she's unique among them. Her name is Peyton Sawyer. It was her passion for arts and her love for drawing that caught my attention, because I have that same passion, it was just that it was a long time since I last drew anything complete. The things that I drew or sketched during my boredom attack would be incomplete or merely some rough sketch that did not make any sense.  

Peyton Sawyer's style

Below are Peyton Sawyer's work of arts which I grabbed from this website - Peyton's Art. 

Although it wasn't Hilarie Burton herself who actually drew it, I was inspired by the character she played. She invested her time and money in what she liked to do. I wish I am willing to do that. Her work of arts, her drawings, if you noticed, are her mediums of expressing herself. She wasn't drawing just for the sake of drawing but to express what she had in her mind.

 

 

 

 

 I like the style of her drawings, the dark comic kinda essence in it. It's so cool and so herrrr... 

And because of Peyton's character, I am excited and motivated to resurface my love for drawing at the moment. These few weeks, I had tried drawing the faces of the kids I observed during the day, and during night time I would try to draw the faces of my friends [which do not resemble their faces at all -_-" ]

The holy picture that I drew in order to save money on buying one. (-_-")

I realized that I was very passive in pursuing my love for drawing before, and I only draw when I wanted to save money or save time. Yeah, I was cheapskate to that extend. I remember there were only two complete pictures I drew during my stay in USM hostel; one was a picture of Jesus, and the other was a picture of my friend Susanna. Well, I drew the face of Jesus because I realized I didn't have any holy picture with me to paste in my room, so I drew the picture myself to save money on buying holy pictures (please don't condemn me huhu) and well... I drew a picture of Susanna because I thought of presenting it as a gift to her during her birthday (so that I need not to spend any money on presents, please don't condemn me)..  And I ended up keeping that drawing myself because I didn't want to give her a drawing which didn't look like her at all. It didn't do justice to her real pretty face. Unlike those who are passionate about arts, I didn't spend enough time on drawing,  nor spending money to buy the materials and tools for producing artwork. I would just use the 2nd best material or just borrow some of the stuffs from my sister.  (-_-")

The so-called portrait of Susanna. Maybe I should call it her caricature instead. A caricature which doesn't look like her at all. Hadey!!

But now I am beginning to spend money on my hobbies (hopefully I won't stop halfway like before). Currently, I have bought sketch book, drawing book, 6B and 8B pencils to improve my childish drawings.  All of them cost about RM10 if not mistaken. (O.. what an improvement on spending for hobbies) Just hope that I would be productive during these remaining holidays. May time moves slowly...

Happy Raya Aidilfitri in advance for those who are celebrating it. I just sooo love holidays. :)

It Happened Yesterday...

  I was riding in a Rapid bus. After an argument (as usual) with my sista, I felt tears in my eyes, and I didn't want it to roll down my face (especially in front of the other passengers), so I tried to look away, distracting my attention away from my emotion and tried to focus on the passengers that recently walked into the bus.

( I know people would think I'm congek a.k.a crybaby, but I will correct them by saying I am emotional instead.. :P.)

So I observed a father and daughter who recently came into the bus, and both of them looked extremely happy. There was no doubt they were enjoying each other company very much. The little girl looked like she was around 6, and the father looked like he was thirty something.

After they were seated, what I saw made me failed to hold my tears. 

They were communicating in sign language.

The father was mute. 

The little girl gestured the sign language to tell something to her father and smiled happily and the father replied back in a sign language. I had no doubt both of them were communicating nice things to each other; perhaps what they would do at their destination later.

I imagine this is the front view of them. I was observing them from their back actually.

Gosh I felt hot tears streaming down my face and quickly wiped it. My plan to hold these tears had failed. But this scene that I was looking at somewhat hit me hard. These father and daughter had every nice thing to say to each other yet the impairment caused them not to be able to say them out in words, so they depended on sign language instead, and here, I was able to say nice things to people around me yet I chose to speak hurtful, mean words instead. It was one on the spot moral lesson.

But still I wondered, when will I ever put into practice this lesson God had shown before my eyes?

Koleksi Lampau

Dulu-dulu aku suka baca Gila-Gila. Hampir setiap bulan beli majalah lawak ni. Kakak pulak beli majalah Ujang. So rasa best time tu, kami dapat exchange sesama sendiri untuk baca benda-benda berfaedah *sila jangan batuk* macam ni.

contoh cover majalah...

Sebab time tu rasa best dan cool jadi pelukis kartun atau komik, aku pun ada menyimpan cita-cita nak jadi pelukis komik lawak. Rasa best apa, boleh ekspresikan pandangan melalui kedua-dua lukisan dan perkataan.

Jadi, pada suatu hari, semasa aku masih 17 tahun ker 18 tahun aku dah lupa dah, aku pun ambik kertas dan cuba buat satu comic strip sendiri...

Alamatnya, keluarlah comic strip seperti kat bawah.

Please click to enlarge

Sekarang bila aku belek-belek fail aku dan ternampak balik comic strip ni, aku tersedar. Patut la cita-cita lampau aku nak jadi pelukis komik ni tak kesampaian.

Sebab lawak aku ni tak cukup general dan lebih bersifat 'inside jokes dengan family'...

Are You a Gradzilla?

FYI:  Gradzilla = graduate + zilla (an affix for monster). 

Photos grabbed from google image

I hope I'm not gonna be a gradzilla for my coming convocation.

This is the closest to gradzilla image that I could search online.

How do I describe a gradzilla?

1) Worry too much

2) Demand too many things 

3) Over-perfectionist and over-reactive over little imperfection

4) Acting like a spoiled brat and all the attention must be on him/her, him/her, him/her! (eg: like what we can watch in mtv's supersweet sixteenth birthday)

Someone I know (ahem) used to have a few signs of gradzilla and the gradzilla did not only ruined her own mood for worrying too much but our mood as well. We went all the way for her convocation at tooot, I had to endure lectures from my principal for taking holidays during my upper 6, etc etc, but then all we got when we arrived there were more lectures, demands, and complains from her. From pictures, of course all we could we see was nice, bright, and sunny, but what we had actually gone through, I hope we would not have it during my convocation *touch wood*.

Okay I have no grudges against this gradzilla but it's just that I want to compare what she did and what I'm gonna do during my own convocation in my post this time. No offense, *insert name*, but your convocation was one of the best example of a gradzilla that I could find. :P 

Well, during the preparation, the gradzilla had a very nice custom made kebaya outfit (which costs a lot but was only used less than 5 times), so I think it's not worth it, since I wasn't born with silver spoon in my mouth. Since I had a lot of  upcoming expenses that have to be taken care of, I should buy something more practical, something that can be used over and over again like a formal long sleeve blouse and a formal pants, or slacks we call it. But of course, those formal attires must be a nice one, nicer than my usual formal attires.

Secondly, she had fresh flowers from parents. I forgot already whether it was due to her demand or it was given by my parents willingly but guess what, I won't ask or demand flowers or any gifts (unless they themselves offered ahem) from my parents. First, flowers aren't that practical and so hard to take care of especially in a big crowd during the convocation (pity the ones who had to carry the flowers) and guess what, I would choose a Teddy bear over flowers any day.. ;) *hint hint* But then again, gifts should be given as a free-will and not compulsory so come what may.

Thirdly, the gradzilla went on ordering people around as if she had one extra special authority during her convocation and we had to adhere to her orders obediently. (-_-") It wasn't one very good experience to be one of the 'servants' you know, but then she was the first to graduate in our family so that was one of the reasons why we would do anything just to please her.

But then again, at the end of the day, after all the things are over, we would sit and look at the perfect picture that had been taken. If it wasn't for that gradzilla who had surveyed meticulously for the right photo studio, the picture won't be as nice. If it wasn't for that gradzilla who had planned for all the nice things, our parents would have nothing to boast about. (ahem)

I guess, each one of us should have that little gradzilla inside us so that it would drive us for perfection during an important occasion, but at the same time, don't practice your gradzilla-ness on everyone, especially your own family members. You can be a gradzilla when you are a client because you want to demand for perfection and maybe being a gradzilla was the only way they would give their best service to you, but when you practice your gradzilla-ness on your family, you could be ruining the best memory that they are supposed to have. Your convocation, isn't only your convocation, according to Mel. It's your parents' and family's convocation too.

The Art of Criticizing

How many of us like to be criticized?

How many of us like to criticize?

I bet the number of those saying 'yes' to the second question would be higher than the former.

Because, as human, it is easier to find fault in others than to admit to others that we are imperfect though we are aware of how imperfect we are.

I am one of those who constantly get criticisms from others, and don't get me wrong, I do appreciate criticism from people, but there are certain types of criticism that I despised.  I admit I like to criticize too, but now I only do it to give positive criticism (a criticism to motivate) and for the negative criticism, I only do it as "counter attack" (meaning, I only do it when people did it to me first *wink2* ).

For me, criticism has two effects on those being criticized, whether it:

a) make you aware of your own imperfection and motivate you to improve myself

or

b) discourage you to do something you like cause the critics make you felt as if you do not deserve to be where you are.

There was once, someone criticized my baking ability (for heaven's sake, I only tried baking once so how can you evaluate my baking skill based on my first try?), saying that I should stick to only cooking and not try baking. I was like OUCH. I mean, I know I am not good in baking but hello~ I made the horrible cupcakes without using the proper baking utensils and I didn't follow the real recipes. So I knew there should be room for improvement. Unless I was using all the utensils and followed the recipes properly, then your criticism might just be appropriate.

So my response to the 'someone' who criticized me was

"The more you are trying to ask me not to do it, the more I want to do it."

And I dislike a criticism which asked me to stop trying something because that just might lead me to have a negative thought on you:

" Are you insecure that if I am motivated and trying to improve myself and finally succeeded,  then you would feel like you're left behind cause you're not a good baker (ahem that hurts right)? Hmm.. *wonder* "

So guys and girls, when you are criticizing, please criticize to improve instead of discourage. If someone did a mistake that they REALIZED, there is no need for you to remind them and make them feel bad about it, or the worst part of it is to ask them stop doing something that they like just because they are not good at it. 

Unless they did not realize it, then your intervention is much appreciated.

It's okay to criticize,

but remember..... do it in a nice way. 

Thank you.

/ˈkrɪtəˌsɪzəm/ Show Spelled

Bittersweet Taste

Do you notice that the picture above looks like a scary smiley face? XD

No, I am not talking about the taste of the horrible cupcakes above. They were disaster, but on my defense, they were edible. XD 

Do you know that feeling of, you don't like to do something, but since you are asked to do that thing by someone you love, then you finally force yourself to love doing that thing because that thing was supposed to be sure thing, but after days of feeling unsure yet prepared to do that thing, you finally know that the thing is not a sure thing? 

And the probability of making it a sure thing is very thin? 

What would you feel? Relieved? Disappointed? Cheated? 

Okay, maybe you don't get the thing I was crapping about in the first paragraph since it was almost like a monologue to myself. Let me be a little clearer. If you read my previous post, Kalau Aku Boleh Lambung Syiling Destiny, you would know that I was supposed to take on a temporary job that I do not like, uhuk temporary teacher uhuk. But then, since my mom said it is at an all boys primary school and I would be teaching the lower primary students, I was okay and quite excited with it.

Thus, I brought my formal attires back home, and bought a pair of formal shoes just in case. At first, I was skeptical. I had a habit of hard to believe something until I encounter it. Maybe you would say I have trust issues but then I did not want to be too sure about something so that I would not be disappointed later. For example, like the master application that I am applying now. When I bade farewell to my course mates, my course mates told me "Hey, we're gonna meet again, during the master." But I was still... skeptical. It's not like we already promised a place there.

But then, if the case is reversed, where you were promised a place, and you kept asking that if it  is a sure thing and people kept assuring you that "Of course, it's a sure thing since the headmaster said he wanted to choose you for his school." So I tried to be more optimistic and sure, and tried to be prepared, though not really prepared. :P

But then, yesterday I just got a news, I don't know how to describe it, whether it was a bad news or good news, when my mom told me that the officer at the education department at my town told the headmaster that they will choose the temporary teacher instead of the headmaster himself and they told him they already had another candidate for that position that I was promised to last time. So, my mom asked me if I still wanted to apply teaching temporarily for other school. I was like... " I am not ready to teach at another school. I prefer to teach at SK Sacr*d H****.  And if I applied but then I got offered at another school, I rather don't want to take it." Wow, you must think I sounded like a  perasan diva, trying to be choosy, when I am supposed to be in the position of accepting any offers right now.

Err, on my defense, I am doing good for the other school, you know. First, I don't like teaching that much, so I can't be flexible at it. I prefer teaching at primary schools, and to teach at a school where at least I am familiar with the atmosphere (I've been to the headmaster's office once, or twice. :P) I don't want to experience the torture of adapting to an atmosphere for the sake of doing something I don't like. If it was something that I like, it would be a different story, but then, this sacrifice is not worth it, even for the money.

So, it's either all or nothing. If I am going to teach at the first school I was promised, I would take the job, but if I could not get the position at the school that I wanted, instead of torturing myself teaching at the school that I am not familiar with, I  choose to continue my position as the homemaker and try my best to be as productive as possible by doing some gardening, cooking, and if God-willing, baking. I still want to be able to choose no matter what. Though I am in no position to be choosy now.

So that's what I am feeling now. Bittersweet. I am happy because I do not need to do what I don't like to do but at the same time, I am disappointed I am gonna lose a lot on experience,  lose my chance to compensate  my dissatisfaction towards my previous teaching skill, lose my chance to earn money which I could use for my convocation, and my chance of putting something good to see on resume.  And ironically, I am quite sad that I would lose my chance to be called "Cikgu" once more. It was quite a long time since I last heard people refer me that way.  Funny I don't like to teach but I like it when people call me that.

So yeah, it was sweet, but bitter at the same time. But then, if I am going to be a homemaker for my rest of my stay in Sibu, I am going to make sure that I make full use of my holiday by being as productive as possible. This home will never be the same again when I leave for Penang later, I promise you that.

Lame words about life..

Have you ever experienced that moment... that moment after you went through some events in your life, and you made a conclusion about each experience? 

And the conclusion sometimes turn out to be some meaningful random thoughts which are worth keeping for? (at least for myself).

I guess, sometimes I experienced that. Or most of the times. Especially when I am emotional. 

I would make a conclusion about certain things and then I will put up the words at the corner this blog and label them as 'words of lamehood by lameleftygirl'. 

And I would change these 'so-called wise words' every week or every month.

Well, to me, life is like a series of experiments. Everytime after I experienced something, I would make a either an inference, hypothesis and conclusion out of it.

I used to type down my random thoughts and saved them in my laptop, but after my hard disk was spoiled, I could not trust my laptop, external hard disk without any back up anymore. So here I would like to introduce all of you to my new baby blog (aww agugugugu kuchi kuchi baby eh?)

which I named as 

"WORDS OF LAMEHOOD". 

 (yeah lame name I know )

And yeah, this is where I keep my random lame thoughts. 
Or the remaining of it which I can still remember after my hard disk died. T_T

So if you guys have time, do check it out yea. 

That's all.  

 

5 Things I HATE about him, him & him

It's ironic, but people who is easily annoyed is usually the annoying person himself.

=words of lamehood by lameleftygirl - inspired just this morning=

Am I being sarcastic to myself? Maybe. Maybe not.

 I am a person who can tolerate with a lot of people, and I am not proud of this because that means that I am not straightforward enough. Whenever I felt annoyed, I keep it to myself, secretly wishing and praying to God that this annoying person would change somehow. Or at least be more conscious of their behaviour.

But then, this kind of toleration I only applied when I am with girls.

But when it comes to guys, it's a different story. I don't really care, especially if the guy is a stranger.  Sometimes I am blunt when it comes to guys. Ice queen. The way I talk to guys and the way I talk to girls, if you noticed, it's a little different. With girls, my jokes are kinda filtered and lebih lemah lembut (except for when I joke with my sista) but when I joke with guys, I never hesitate to go to the extend of teasing them harshly or becoming more laser.

Maybe I have grudges against guys. Thanks to my high school experience. Truth to be told, I never really have guy friends during my high school except for three to four guy friends. That was why, my mother would tease me with even any little my guy friends that I had (even with some guys whom obviously are not into girls, ya know what I mean) because maybe she would be worried that I will stay single. Well, mama, see, now in university, I have guy friends, but still, I'm single hahah. The theory about the more guy friends you have, the more probability for prospective partner cannot be applied because the more guy friends you have, the more comfortable you are, and you don't look at them in romantic sort but in a family way. It's not in the quality or quantity, mama, it's in the chemistry, biology and most importantly, destiny.

Ok, maybe you will ask, why suddenly this topic? 

Well, I lost the 30 day blogging challenge, but there's one topic from the 30 day list that I think is worth sharing.

Which was 5 things that annoy me from the opposite sex..

It's not hard for me to list down these five things because:

1st, I have bad experience. Really bad experience with guys.

2nd, due to this experience, I guess I've become sexist sometimes. (keyword: SOMETIMES. Now guys, don't you even think of running away from me)

1) I HATE GUYS WHO...

is easily perasan. (how do we call perasan in English by the way?) Usually this kind of guy is so full of himself. "Yeah, I'm the best! I deserve the best girl!" Ptuih. Look at the mirror. This kind of guy, he felt great when pretty girls admire him, but when ugly girl admire him, he felt somewhat disgusted what the heck.

 I kinda had this experience back in high school. If you think I'm ugly now, I was uglier back then. I don't even look like a guy, I looked more like a bapok that time.

It was during my form 1. I was a really quiet person in class. Why? First of all, majority of my classmates speaks Mandarin. Me? Hokkien, English, and broken Mandarin. So instead of embarrassing myself of speaking broken Mandarin, I opted to remain silent in the class.

So there was this guy, who was my classmate for a very long time, he was very popular in this class. Everybody laughed at his jokes. I was one of them. The thing is, just because I laughed at his jokes, people around me thought that I liked him. (-_-") Please la... I was somewhat annoyed, why people would make that assumption about me, why people accused that I liked him when there were many others who laughed at his jokes. WTH! But then, I was a quiet girl, so I just didn't bother about it. But the problem was, from what I'd observed, he was bothered. I knew why. Maybe if I was a more popular, prettier and a smarter girl, he would not really be bothered about it. Instead, he would feel good about himself. But since I'm ugly, I'm unpopular, I'm *insert any cruel adjective inside*, he felt rather embarrassed instead of felt "wow, somebody admired me." He felt... disgusted.

All my high school life, I tried to not cross my path with him. I felt awkward. I wished I could just spill on his face and say "Sorry, you've misunderstood. I never had feelings for you. I just like your jokes and that's all."  But of course, I didn't do it. Instead of hating him (because majority people liked him), I hated myself. I hated myself for causing this misunderstanding.

For five years my high school life was shadowed by this hurtful experience and I didn't add him in facebook until now. So guys, moral of the story: kalau nak perasan ada orang minat kau pun, jangan nak memilih atau memandang rendah kat peminat kau. Cause belum tentu lagi orang tu minat kat KAU! PAHAM! Percuma ja high skul life aku kena ruined gara-gara lelaki perasan camni. HUH!

2) I HATE GUYS WHO...

is judgmental. Just because he's kononnya perfect, he wanted to lecture you on every single thing. *yawn* Like, oh, 'girls should not do this. Girls should not do that.' Yeah, I know, you are just being caring and protective, but why the word 'girls'? So if guys do that same thing, it's okay la? Double standard. Heh! And furthermore, this kind of guy will ask you stupid questions like 'Do you drink?' which means that they wanted to risik-risik whether you have the ciri-ciri isteri idaman. One thing boy, if you REALLY like someone, you would observe it on your own instead of interviewing the girl that you like. Girls like to be noticed, not to be interrogated. And one thing, just because someone drinks, does that make her a bad person? And one more thing, when you really liked or loved someone, why can't you handle some little imperfection about her? You're not all that perfect yourself! Enough said.

3) I HATE GUYS WHO...

is a sweet talker. This kind of guy made you blush, but  at the end of the day, sometimes you felt cheated. The way he acted later wasn't like what you've expected from what he'd shown you before. One word for them "Action speaks louder than words." If you really meant what you say, show it. Don't just make more promises that you cannot keep or keep up with.

4) I HATE GUYS WHO...

is a control freak. My former student, Mary (bukan nama sebenar) has this kind of boyfriend. Tell you what, Mary is just only 14, but her boyfriend wanted to control her every single move. For example, Mary wasn't allowed to hang out with her besties, what the heck. Tell you what, this same boyfriend was caught cheating with Mary's own friend last time. I hope I can influence my former student to dump this kind of guy.

5) I HATE GUYS WHO...

is desperate and horny.  Pleading us to be his girlfriends through the phones? (-_-") But apart all that, I'm still his friend cause he's special case. Not like all that other normal kind of guys mentioned above. HMMPH!

That's all for now. Reminiscing all these hurtful stuff just ruined my early morning. 

But maybe the timing's just right cause I will have to go for confession after this. 

Have a nice Thursday.

Winning Makes My World Go Round~!

I should had blogged about this long time ago but because I was truly demotivated to blog, I didn't. And now after completing my LHP 456 interview, which happens to be the last of the assessment too (hooray!), I must now thank Nuffnang & Digi angels for giving me a wonderful smartphone, Blackberry Torch 9800, besides letting me enjoy the pleasure of winning something. Not to forget, a lot of credits to my gangsta sista Mel Chua for helping me to take it from the Nuffnang office in KL (imagine all the hassles she had gone through just to find the office and take this phone lol). And  last but not least, there is someone who is more important that I should thank above all.

Maybe I did tell people around me that when I joined this contest, I didn't put in much efforts and didn't think of winning. But in actual, I really wanted to win it, it was just that, as usual, I was not confident in winning it. 

And maybe I did tell that this winning was all based on my luck, without efforts. But it wasn't the whole truth. I forgot to mention something.

Something important which I had taken for granted since I'm too engrossed on deluding myself with the thoughts that I'm lucky. 

It was prayer that I've forgotten to mention when I won this. I prayed. Almost everyday when I had my 3 pm Divine Mercy prayer, I prayed to win this contest.

But I forgot. (-_-")

And actually, during that time, my intention of winning this smart phone was not for myself, but for my mother. I remembered Mama saying that at her age (which is not young anymore, ahem!), she was still using the basic handphone which she took good care of, and me, I already lost two phones with better features than hers. Lol. I felt guilty, and felt bad for her at the same time. I mean, here I am losing phone here and there, while some others in my family members have to take good care of their belongings no matter how old or basic the model is. And at that time, I wanted to win this for Mama  so badly since I already had my Xperia (which I felt guilty too for owning it when the rest of my family including my sister who already worked didn't indulge in smart phones and great gadgets like I do, hmmmph).

  Thus, I prayed Divine Mercy diligently, voicing out intention to win this phone for my mother. I'm not a good daughter, I'm rebellious, I think I'm a black sheep of the family because I always do things against her wishes, and there's nothing other thing I can do for her, except for winning this for her. 

And I was really lucky blessed that my prayer was answered. 

And when I finally knew I won this, it felt surreal. I was happy! I felt that I was the luckiest person on earth! And I was so deluded thinking I was lucky till I forgot that it was due to my diligent prayers that I won this. 

When I was at home that time, I remembered my initial intention to win this phone for Mama and then during one fine afternoon, while I was looking for her white hair a.k.a uban in the living room, I told her this:

Me: Ma, this phone that I won, though I haven't get it, when I finally got it, do you want it?

Mama: Why? (Surprised)

Me: Because actually mama, I promised Jesus that I wanted to win this phone for you, because I know that you think that your phone are not as modern, but lauya hahahhahaa. Anyway, I already have a smart phone, and I think maybe this phone could be great for you so that you can use nice phones like your colleagues since you're the headmistress, should use the better phones than them. :P You already worked for so long, don't kalah with other teachers. Hoho.

Mama: (Smiling maybe amused at my sudden intention which is not always, you know ahaha) Aiya, not need la. I don't know how to use canggih-canggih things. You use that phone yourself la. I already have a phone.

Me: Really??

Mama: Really. I already have this phone. I don't need and I don't know how to use that kind of phone.

Me: Okay, like that thank you lo. At least I don't feel so bad since I already got permission from you. That means that I didn't break my promise with Jesus.. *wink2*

So, BB torch 9800 is actually a symbol of God's blessing to me. In everything you do, don't depend on luck, but you depend on God.

So, good luck  God bless, everyone!

Crossroads Puzzles

  I do not want to be the slave of my job - I want to be the master of my career. 

(part 1)

words of lamehood by lameleftygirl2 (2011)

When I was still a kid, I always knew what I wanted to be. I wanted to be an artist, writer, movie director, comic book artist, etc. I had so many ambitions. Sometimes, I would have temporary ambitions such as dreaming of becoming an actress (lol this dream was due to too much of Bollywood dramas), singer (this one was inspired by American Idol ugh you should've heard me sing XD you would rather vote for William Hung), and also talk show host (inspired by Oprah lol). All of these jobs have something in common, where they are connected to creativity and imagination. I wanted to become all these simply because I like to think and imagine - I like to do something which doesn't have any limitation or restriction. That is why people around me always caught me daydreaming (-_-") I was always in my deep thought... *sigh*

  But now, in my final semester of my final year, I am clueless of  how to be what I wanted to be.  My dreams stayed with me, but to make it into a reality was still a mystery to me. Among my dream jobs, the one job which is closest to reality and is more available here in Malaysia would most probably is a writer.But even this job seemed hard to find at the moment. I mean to become a journalist, you cannot simply go for an interview and tell your potential future employer that writing is your hobby, that is why you like it so much, but instead, you have to prove it by at least having some reputation in writing - articles, blog, etc. 

  So instead of looking for a serious job after the coming graduation, I changed my plan to applying of postgraduate studies. It was by chance that Hawa told me about this Master studies application and voila, now I kinda sure that I want to continue with master degree. I even called my mama and told her about it, and she was more than happy to hear about this.  I mean, though she wanted me to go back after my final exam so much, she was happy to know that finally I wanted to choose this path as she thought that pursuing a Master degree will ensure better future. If I do not continue with Master, she preferred that I work at home than working here in Penang.

 At the moment, I am thinking of continuing with Master, but since the new semester starts  four months after the final exam, I have four months to figure it out first. Oh help me please!

To be a master of my career, I have to ensure my eligibility. Thus, I have to continue with my studies, eh? (part 2)

words of lamehood by lameleftygirl2 (2011)

Moral Dilemma

I will have an important test tomorrow, but because I need to have peace with my mind, I had to spill out what had been bothering me today. Huh~

On my way to my 3 pm class today, while I was trying to cross the road, I saw a guy on a wheelchair, using both his hands forcefully to push forward his wheelchair at the side of the road. His wheelchair was not the automatic one, but it was the manual one, where you have to use your hands energy to push it forward. I just looked at him, wondering whether I should help him or not. When he finally passed by me, I didn't help me, instead I smiled at him.

He didn't smile back. Perhaps it was because he didn't know me or he was too tired to smile. After I managed to cross the road, I regretted for not helping him. I mean, probably he needed my help, and obviously a smile didn't help. I kept thinking about what if I came late to class? Hmm.. I should be more practical next time, instead of becoming a hypocrite. What's the use of regretting and being sad for not helping someone when I had the chance? He had been pushing his own wheelchair from God knows where, the Aman hostel or another hostel further down.

On my way to the class, everything was blurry, I didn't notice anybody, even a junior of mine, aka my CUS granddaughter, Lia, when she called me. (psst, sorry Lia, I was in a deep thought just now huhu and God knows how many person I had ignored on the way to class) I managed to reply a brief smile. I kept thinking about what I could have done to make a small difference, and I blew it away.

That's not the only dilemma I have for today. In the evening during a dinner with my friends Lee Ying and Kim Hong, I heard the news of the death of my friend's mother. I was shocked. I mean, I just mentioned my friend's name out of nowhere and BAM, I heard a bad news about her mother. I didn't dare to send her a condolence message just yet before I really confirm the news. It was really frustrating. She was probably in a deep sorrow now. And I couldn't do anything about it.

But everything happens for a reason. Haiz. I have yet to find the reason. I wish I could do something about it than just to sit there and contemplate all these things theoretically. And to wheelchair guy, wherever you are, have a safe journey around USM. If we were to meet again, I won't just smile and walk away, but I will try to approach you and to offer a help, provided you need it. And to my dear friend, if only you read this, I want to let you know that we at CUS here care for you. Be strong ya girl.

Only You Know the Answer

Sometimes the easiest, simplest question, which did not require any reading would be the hardest question of all. It became THE million dollar question.

Today, during the sleepover gathering for the Catholic Undergraduate Society at FM house, I was struck by the question asked by Claire to Helen for the snake and ladder game. It was a very simple question, but only a few can answer it honestly and be truly confident to answer it, at least in my case.

The question is not about "Who's the love of your life", but it sounded like this:

"When was the happiest moment of your life?"

It was really simple and direct, but it's hard to determine when it was, either because you have too many happy moments to choose from or it was because you never had a perfect joyous moment in your life. There could be some flaws here and there which flawed your happiest moment.

In my case, honestly, so far during these past few years, I didn't experience one perfect happy moment. Why? How do I determine this?

It's because I still felt the insecurity or there's something missing whenever I am involved in a certain situation. In my own definition of happiness, it's just not about smiling or laughing, or enjoying a moment. Perhaps, enjoying a moment could carry the meaning of happy, but not THE happiest moment. As Claire had stated during the gathering, she described the happiest moment of your life as the flawless moment, there's NOTHING which could annoy or upset you at that very moment, which you could described as rainbow moment.

Though it was Helen who was required to answer the question, I was in my deep thought, trying to recall my own happiest moment. All I could think of was my childhood. During the simplest, most uncomplicated moments of my life. An ice cream could make my day. But now, it takes a lot more than that to make me feel blissful in and out. I guess as we grew older, we needed something abstract more than something concrete as it won't last forever.

When I tried to recall my adult life, I couldn't really determine when I am happy or not. There were times when I pretended to be happy just to erase my sadness, or not to worry my family and friends, and there were times when I am happy but only after a long set of worriness and fatigues. It was like I had to pay a very high price before I get to enjoy. [For example, it's like you had to pay for the roller coaster ride before you can take a ride on them.] In short, sometimes, I too became confused whether I was truly happy or pretended to be happy during certain moments because I was falling into this make-believe so-called happy moments.

On the other hand, it's easier to determine when I am sad than happy cause nobody would want to pretend to be sad but we always tried our best to look happy even though when we were not.

But as I think back, the way to make yourself happy is to just live life simply. Desiring too much and expecting too much out of lives can lead to lots of disappoinments if your desires couldn't be fulfilled.

And to determine the moment when you are really happy, it's the moment when you can't help smiling widely until you cry because you are so touched by the happiness and also because you regret that the moment won't last forever.

And I hope that everyone can find their answers to this million dollar question.